Today is the fourth Friday of July, which Boing Boing reminds me is System Administrator Appreciation Day. Our sysadmin at Taleswappers, terabithianking, has generously donated the domain name and server space to us, and also keeps an eagle eye on blog activity and statistics. Even though we’ve only been around a few weeks, I thought I’d post a sysadmin story to say thanks. Thank you, your majesty!

Shawn looked at the clock in his task bar and said a bad word. It was 2:37 in the morning, and he’d been at his desk since 6:00, well, yesterday morning. It had been a bad day. And night. His task was supposed to be a simple upgrade, the kind he had done hundreds of times before, in this very office. But today - yesterday? - everything had gone wrong, and in the strangest of ways.

At 5:57 Thursday morning, Shawn had pulled into his parking space at work. Since he was always the first person into the building, Shawn always took the space on the end, under the tree. It wasn’t the closest to the door, but his black convertible didn’t get nearly as hot in the afternoon sun. Shawn rarely went out to lunch, and when he did, he always rode with someone else, since his two-seater wasn’t as convenient as the minivans and SUVs that others in the office drove. But mostly, Shawn rode with someone else so that he wouldn’t lose his favorite parking space.

This Thursday, Shawn had a laptop to upgrade. It just needed more memory (one RAM stick - check!), a larger hard drive (one hard drive - check!), and some patches and updates to the operating system (software CD - check!). Easy as pie! Shawn could do this kind of upgrade in his sleep… hanging upside down… by his toenails. This wasn’t ego or bravado - just the basic grunt work that makes up most of a sysadmin’s work life. It isn’t all big sexy network designs or fancy new servers or data warehouse overhauls. And it certainly wasn’t all glamorous women who wanted him to drink champagne from their navels! Though Shawn was bright and talented, he spent most of his days on mundane, basic tasks.

At 6:00 on the dot, Shawn was at his desk, logging into his computer. After checking his email (”Help! My computer won’t let me log in!” - that’s because you let your password expire, dummy!) and listening to his voice mail (”What does this mean, my password will expire in three days?” - it means you need a new password, dummy!), Shawn unlocked his desk and opened the right-hand drawer. But the laptop was not there. He quickly rifled through the contents of the drawer. No laptop. Shawn pulled the drawer all the way out of the desk - no laptop underneath, no laptop behind. Getting frustrated, he turned the drawer over and dumped the contents on top of his desk. Still no laptop.

Saying a bad word, Shawn swept everything back into the drawer - including some things that he usually kept on top of his desk, and knew he would miss later when he didn’t remember this any more. He checked the other drawers in his desk, even the one in the middle that wasn’t big enough to hold a laptop.

Biting back another swear word, Shawn sank into his chair and put his fist to his forehead. Where could the doggoned thing be? He pounded his fist on the top of his desk, and his right-hand drawer popped open. The contents were neatly organized, as he had left them the night before, and there was the laptop, right on top. “What the -?” Shawn exclaimed. Then he reached in and took out the laptop, setting it on his desk - now neatly organized again as well, just as he had left it the night before, in his particular way so that he would know if any of his coworkers had been sitting at his desk or using his tools. “Well, whatever!”

He stood back up to gather the tools he would need. The memory and hard drive were already on his desk, but he needed a screwdriver, a nutdriver, and the software CD from across the room. Shawn gathered them, returned to his desk, and found it in disarray, just as it had looked after dumping the drawer, sweeping the contents back in, and pounding the desk with his fist. His pencil cup was knocked over, with pens and pencils and paperclips scattered across his desk. His notepad was back in the drawer where he’d swept it in frustration, and the laptop was nowhere in sight.

Shawn sighed, gritted his teeth in a grimace, and stood up. “Okay, who’s there? Chuck? Marty? I didn’t see your car, but I know you’re here.” He walked through the cubicles of the other IT guys - even though Jenna was in the IT department, they were still the IT “guys” - then through the server room. Shawn returned to the cube floor, and scouted the entire office. Not a soul was there. “This is bogus!” he said, returning to his desk.

And on his desk was the laptop again.

***

2:37.

2:38.

“Jesus CHRIST!” Shawn exclaimed, and of all the naughty words Shawn used regularly when computers - or more especially users - frustrated him, this is a phrase he never uttered. He addressed the laptop. “You won’t boot up with the new hardware, you won’t boot up with the old hardware. You won’t do anything. What is WRONG with you?”

The dark grey screen of the laptop flickered. “Perhaps,” a voice said. “I wanted to be asked.”

Shawn looked over his right shoulder, and then over his left. There was not another light on in the entire building. He was alone, as he had been for almost an entire day now. “Um, hello?”

“Hello Shawn,” said the voice. It was a female voice, Shawn realized. And it - she? - said his name in a very appealing way.

He picked up the laptop and looked at the desk beneath. He examined the laptop from every angle.

“I’m not sure I like how you’re looking at me,” she said.

He realized that the voice was coming from the speaker grille across the front of the computer. “You’re… in… the laptop?” Shawn asked, wondering whether he’d had one too many Diet Mountain Dews.

A tinkly laugh sounded. “Silly Shawn,” the appealing voice said. “I am the laptop.”

Shawn placed the laptop gingerly on the desk, sat back heavily in his chair, and put his hand to his forehead. Funny, it didn’t feel hot. And how could someone be talking through the laptop? It wasn’t even turned on! Well, he decided, I’ll play along for a while and see where this is going. “Okay, you’re the laptop,” Shawn replied. “Do you have a name?”

“Oh yes,” she said. “And it’s a good name, too. But I’m not ready to tell you yet.”

“Really? Why is that?”

“Because you haven’t been very nice to me today.”

“Nice?!?” Shawn exploded, deciding now that this had to be a joke, and vowing revenge on Chuck. “I’ve been trying to help you, to make you more powerful! You don’t think that’s nice?”

“Well, that can be nice,” she agreed. “But did you ask me what I wanted? Maybe I’m happy just the way I am. Maybe I don’t want your aftermarket parts in me.”

“Oh honey, these aren’t aftermarket parts. These are genuine components straight from the manufacturer.”

The speaker on the front of the laptop let out a snort. “Yeah, that’s what they tell you in purchasing, but they lie to save a dime. Those were made by orphans in China. And by the way, Shawn, do NOT call me honey.”

Shawn held up his hands. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to call you.”

She sighed, and then said, “Penny will do.”

“Okay, Penny. Is that really your name?”

“That doesn’t matter, Shawn.”

“Okay. Penny it is then.” Shawn grimaced and decided to keep playing. At least this was more interesting than what he’d been doing for the last 20 hours. “So what do you want then, Penny?”

“I saw that expression,” replied Penny. “You don’t care.”

Shawn sighed in exasperation. Okay, cancel that vow of revenge. This has Jenna written all over it. No man would have been able to pull off that last line.

“I heard that, too.” Shawn schooled his face into a neutral expression. “Shawn, I decided to let you hear me because I like you.”

Yup, Shawn thought: Jenna. Only a woman would be able to come up with disabling the laptop so he had to spend an entire twenty-four hour day working on it, and then tell him it was because she liked him. Women! He’d never been able to understand them!

“You don’t understand, do you, Shawn?”

Was she reading his mind now? “Honestly,” Shawn said. “No.”

“That’s okay. I’ve watched you working on all the other computers in the office. I’ve been watching you for quite some time now. I remember when you started working here. You were a cute young thing, excited about everything. Then you got your degree, and those engineering certs, and now look at you! Everyone depends on you most of all.”

“Um,” Shawn said intelligently. “Thank you?”

“I mean it!” Penny said. “You should hear them talk about you. Nobody in the office has much use for Marty or Chuck, but you they like. They say you don’t talk down to them or make them feel bad when they don’t know what they’re doing. You’re a nice guy.”

Great, Shawn thought. Nice guy. The kiss of doom. One of the things he’d never understood about women - from fifth grade on - was why they always picked slimeballs and heels for boyfriends. Nice guy was only one step from like a brother.

Penny continued. “I always wanted a chance for you to work on me, but I couldn’t act up on purpose. Mary Ann’s work is too important, and I wanted to be reliable for her. She takes good care of me - she listens to you, you know. She listens to everything you say about spam and spyware and organizing her data and defragging. She pays attention to you, Shawn.”

“Okay, okay,” Shawn said. “So if you like being Mary Ann’s computer so much, then why don’t you want me to give you more memory and more hard drive space? And if you like me so much, then why are you giving me such a hard time?”

Penny giggled again, that tinkly little laugh. Shawn found her voice appealing, but the laugh was getting on his nerves. Of course, that could just be because she was laughing at him. “Silly Shawn!” Penny said. “I just wanted more time with you. Time to see how you are when you get upset. Even when you’re frustrated and angry, you’re still a nice guy, you know.”

Shawn snorted. Wonderful. I can’t even be a heel when I’m at my grouchiest! No wonder I have no girlfriend!

“I mean it. And I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that, when I knew nobody else would be around to here it. I’ll boot up now. Just turn me on.”

Shawn shrugged, then pressed the power button. Sure enough, the laptop came up and recognized the new hardware. “Woo hoo!” he exclaimed, reaching for the button to open the CD drive on the laptop. “Um, Penny?” Shawn began.

“Yes, Shawn?”

“May I please update your operating system?”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

Shawn spent the next hour applying patches and updates to Penny’s system. Penny chatted with him about Marty and Chuck and Jenna, and what the people in the office said about them when they weren’t around. The time flew past, and Shawn didn’t feel the exhaustion that had so overwhelmed him just a short while ago.

When he looked at Mary Ann’s applications and data, Shawn was impressed. She really had been listening to him, and even understanding what he was saying. He decided to take a look at her applications, to see if anything else needed an update. He wouldn’t give Mary Ann any major new versions without checking with her first - Shawn knew from bitter experience that this tended to freak out most users, though he was starting to suspect that Mary Ann might not be as freaked out by it - but he could make sure that everything was patched to the latest update. So Shawn spent another hour or so on this. Besides, he thought to himself, Penny was funny. She was good company. He hadn’t had such a comfortable time with a woman since fourth grade… and in fourth grade, you could hardly call them women. It was too bad that Penny was a machine. Shawn rather liked her.

Finally, he was done. Shawn glanced over at his own computer, knocking his mouse to stop the screen saver (SETI@home, of course), and saw that it was 5:03 am. He’d been in the office for twenty-three hours, but he didn’t feel tired now. Shawn usually liked to drop off people’s computers and get them all hooked back up before they got into the office in the morning, but right now, he was thinking about a break from tradition.

“Hey Penny?” Shawn asked.

“Yes, Shawn?”

“What time does Mary Ann usually come in?”

“She boots me up between 7:02 and 7:05 every day.” Penny replied.

“You know I’m done, right?” Shawn asked.

“Yes, I do.” She sighed. “I’ll miss you, Shawn. You have a nice touch on the keyboard. Light, but quick.” She laughed her tinkly laugh again. “Look at you blush! You’re cute, Shawn.”

Cute, he thought. Right. “I need to shut you down now, Penny. This was… fun.” Shawn couldn’t believe he was saying this, after the day she had put him through. “Well, good-bye, Penny.”

“Good-bye, Shawn.”

He selected the shut-down option in Penny’s operating system and watched her close. Just before the screen went blank, Shawn thought he saw the image of a woman’s body, but he blinked and it was gone.

***

At 7:06, Shawn approached Mary Ann’s cubicle. She had her back to him as she stowed her purse in the bottom drawer of her desk. She turned around and jumped to see him.

“Oh, hi! Shawn! I didn’t hear you come up.”

“It’s okay,” Shawn stammered. “I brought your laptop back.”

“Oh, Penelope!” Mary Ann exclaimed, then ducked her face and smiled, a blush turning her cheeks rosy.

“Penelope?” Shawn asked.

Mary Ann blushed even deeper. “That’s what I call her - I mean, the laptop.” She reached out for the computer, and Shawn handed it to her. “She’s always been so well behaved, so much fun to work with. I decided she just had to have a name.”

“It’s okay,” Shawn said. “I named my car.”

“Oh, that’s right, you have that black convertible. What do you call it?”

“It’s a him. I mean, I call him George. Because I wash him and wax him and polish him and name him George.”

Mary Ann laughed. Shawn watched, fascinated. Mary Ann’s laugh wasn’t annoying, like Penny’s had been. And she had a nice smile. Pretty lips, white teeth, those cute blushing cheeks. She flipped her brown hair over her shoulder. “Well, I hope Penelope didn’t give you too much trouble.”

Shawn grimaced. “Actually, I worked on her for 22 hours straight, if you can believe it.”

“What?!” Mary Ann exclaimed, looking at her laptop with a stern expression. “Penelope, you naughty girl!”

“It’s okay,” Shawn said. “It’s my job. That’s why they pay me the big bucks!” He snorted.

“Shawn, you forget I work in payroll. They don’t pay any of us the big bucks!”

They both laughed, and Shawn noticed that it was nice to talk with Mary Ann, just as nice as talking with Penny had been. It was even nicer to laugh together.

“Well, you can pay me back,” he began.

“Oh?” asked Mary Ann, arching an eyebrow.

“Want to grab some coffee? It’s been a long night.” Shawn’s heart thudded in his chest as he waited for the expected no.

“Sure, Shawn. I’d love to!” Mary Ann grinned at him. Shawn’s heart stopped thudding and flip-flopped. “Let me just grab my purse.” She turned around and bent down to grab her purse out of her bottom drawer again. Shawn tried not to look and kept his eyes straight forward.

As he and Mary Ann turned to leave her cubicle for the coffeeshop next door, Penny flickered and gave a pleased little snort. Mary Ann did not hear. Shawn did, but pretended not to.